1: How to Receive a Lousy Gift Graciously
Unless you are an Oscar-worthy actor it is really quite difficult not to show at least some disappointment when presented with a putrescent gift.
2: The Truth Behind Valentine's Day - Past and Present
The legend of Saint Valentine, and some interesting facts and stories about how it is celebrated today.
3: Why Are Some Plants Called Weeds?
Shouldn't weed classification really should remain in the eye of the beholder?
4: Party Jokes: Startling But Unnecessary
Read 20 previously unknown secrets about general living that will give you a good laugh.
5: Honey Do List Gone Wild For Unemployed Men
Sarcastic humor, yes it is the healer of our soul. A cup of reality mixed in with some slap-my-face humor put in the form of two poems. Laughing our way to the grave, now there's a plan.
6: The Effects Of Funny Things
This article looks at the wonderful effects of laughter & really funny things.
7: Are You Spreading Humor
My first thought upon seeing the subject, "Are you sharing humor?" was that it referred to comics or orators. After giving some thought to the subject I began to see that each one of us, at sometime or other, should share our humor.
8: How Grandma's Lap Robe Saved My Legs
As I was growing up, Grandma always made sure that I wouldn't catch cold by insisting I have a lap robe over my legs. Didn't matter if it was 32 degrees or 100 degrees; the lap robe was an absolute necessity.
9: Remote Viewing & Remote Influencing - What is it?
A commentary about Remote Viewing and Remote Influencing
10: Never Open An Outhouse Door Without Knocking
I suppose that every hometown of every child holds certain favorite hiding places, or short cuts, or little-known doors or cubbyholes or secret passageways or whatever, and Auburn, the little town where I grew up, was no exception.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Share Funny Stories - Humor
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:57 AM 0 comments
Never Open An Outhouse Door Without Knocking
I suppose that every hometown of every child holds certain favorite hiding places, or short cuts, or little-known doors or cubbyholes or secret passageways or whatever, and Auburn was no exception.
One of my favorite such places was the train tunnel that ran under Palm Avenue and the Auburn reservoir, and came out just this side of Gasoline Alley, a wide spot on Highway 49 about a mile north of where I lived. Tales of being caught in the tunnel when the train came were standard Auburn lore; one of my older cousins' cousin swore that he got caught one day with the train coming, and had to lie flat on his stomach between the tracks while the train passed over him. I believed him until I was about ten or so, when I started to notice that each time he told the story some of the details were different, such as whether it was night or day, with friends or alone; that sort of thing.
Being somewhat timid by nature, I never would have taken the dare to run through the tunnel if I was alone, but crowd psychology is different than individual psychology, and the herd instinct won out. It was a winter day after school, and several of us 8th graders were out of basketball practice because of teacher conferences. Since we didn't have to practice, we naturally looked around for something else to do, and Ken, our point guard, made the dumbest suggestion of all: "Let's run out to Gasoline Alley & back through the train tunnel."
So off we went, licketty-split down Palm Avenue, past my house, past the yellow bus shed where bus #9 picked us all up every school morning, and up the hill across from Dr. Dunevitz' house, where we dropped down to the tracks and began our run through the train tunnel. The train came twice a day, once early morning and once about 10 PM. It was only about 4 PM then, so we knew there was no danger of a train coming.
What we didn't know was that a group of transients, guys who road the rails from one town to another; we called them "hobos"; had taken residence in the tunnel. They apparently were sitting or lying against one wall of the tunnel, perhaps 50 feet or so from the end of the tunnel we were entering, so they had enough light to function and yet no one looking into the dark tunnel from the bright daylight outside could see them.
We entered the tunnel on the run, making jokes about outrunning the train, and what would happen if the train schedule changed. As we ran past the hobos in the darkness, our eyes fixed upon the small dot of light at the other end of the tunnel, one of the men shouted something that sounded like "Run to hell, boys!" None of us ever knew exactly what he said, but the shock of that shout and the ensuing laughter coming from the darkness was enough to send us into overdrive. We looked back to see the outline of a man in the end of the tunnel where we had entered seconds before. We screamed in unison and absolutely sprinted to the other end of the tunnel some quarter of a mile away. If we had been clocked, I'm sure some of us would have set a new world record. Needless to say, we did not return the way we came, nor did we ever enter that tunnel again.
Another shortcut my cousin Harvey & I used to take was through the wild blackberry vines across Nevada Street from my Uncle's nursery, Eisley's Nursery, on the corner of Nevada Street and Palm Avenue. Well, it wasn't really a short cut; it was more like a long cut. But we liked to take it anyway, and imagined ourselves to be Tarzan finding hidden trails through the jungle of tangled vines and swamp-like foliage. Somewhere, in the acre or so of blackberries, was a small little home housing a Japanese family. We didn't know them, and in 1944 or so, we weren't even sure we wanted to know them. Maybe they were still the enemy. Maybe they would capture us and hold us as prisoners of war. Maybe they even had weapons over there in their little reddish-colored house. Maybe they were Kamikazes! Wouldn't that be exciting? Our excitement grew as we wove our way through the vines, making up stories of how Tarzan defeated the entire Japanese army by swinging through the trees and ambushing them from the hollow of a blackberry bush.
Just then we crawled out of a bog of pussy willows and into a very small clearing with a tiny little house in it, hardly big enough to house a single person, let alone an entire family. Could it be a munitions depot? A secret storage area? Would the US army want to know about it? Could it be connected with spies? Overcome with curiosity, fantasy, and patriotism, it was our duty, Harvey and I, to investigate it. Stealthily we snuck around it, signaling each other to be quiet, until we locate a door. Harvey gingerly opened it, as his wide-eyed little cousin peered in.
Just as my eyes focused on the Japanese woman seated in the outhouse, her shriek of terror told us we had made a terrible mistake. We hastily retreated in great fear and consternation, fearing both reprisal and political consequences.
None ever came, thank goodness. But unlike General MacArthur, we did not return.
Note: As we grew older, we realized that they were not only NOT the enemy, but they were loyal Americans who later became good friends.
One of my favorite such places was the train tunnel that ran under Palm Avenue and the Auburn reservoir, and came out just this side of Gasoline Alley, a wide spot on Highway 49 about a mile north of where I lived. Tales of being caught in the tunnel when the train came were standard Auburn lore; one of my older cousins' cousin swore that he got caught one day with the train coming, and had to lie flat on his stomach between the tracks while the train passed over him. I believed him until I was about ten or so, when I started to notice that each time he told the story some of the details were different, such as whether it was night or day, with friends or alone; that sort of thing.
Being somewhat timid by nature, I never would have taken the dare to run through the tunnel if I was alone, but crowd psychology is different than individual psychology, and the herd instinct won out. It was a winter day after school, and several of us 8th graders were out of basketball practice because of teacher conferences. Since we didn't have to practice, we naturally looked around for something else to do, and Ken, our point guard, made the dumbest suggestion of all: "Let's run out to Gasoline Alley & back through the train tunnel."
So off we went, licketty-split down Palm Avenue, past my house, past the yellow bus shed where bus #9 picked us all up every school morning, and up the hill across from Dr. Dunevitz' house, where we dropped down to the tracks and began our run through the train tunnel. The train came twice a day, once early morning and once about 10 PM. It was only about 4 PM then, so we knew there was no danger of a train coming.
What we didn't know was that a group of transients, guys who road the rails from one town to another; we called them "hobos"; had taken residence in the tunnel. They apparently were sitting or lying against one wall of the tunnel, perhaps 50 feet or so from the end of the tunnel we were entering, so they had enough light to function and yet no one looking into the dark tunnel from the bright daylight outside could see them.
We entered the tunnel on the run, making jokes about outrunning the train, and what would happen if the train schedule changed. As we ran past the hobos in the darkness, our eyes fixed upon the small dot of light at the other end of the tunnel, one of the men shouted something that sounded like "Run to hell, boys!" None of us ever knew exactly what he said, but the shock of that shout and the ensuing laughter coming from the darkness was enough to send us into overdrive. We looked back to see the outline of a man in the end of the tunnel where we had entered seconds before. We screamed in unison and absolutely sprinted to the other end of the tunnel some quarter of a mile away. If we had been clocked, I'm sure some of us would have set a new world record. Needless to say, we did not return the way we came, nor did we ever enter that tunnel again.
Another shortcut my cousin Harvey & I used to take was through the wild blackberry vines across Nevada Street from my Uncle's nursery, Eisley's Nursery, on the corner of Nevada Street and Palm Avenue. Well, it wasn't really a short cut; it was more like a long cut. But we liked to take it anyway, and imagined ourselves to be Tarzan finding hidden trails through the jungle of tangled vines and swamp-like foliage. Somewhere, in the acre or so of blackberries, was a small little home housing a Japanese family. We didn't know them, and in 1944 or so, we weren't even sure we wanted to know them. Maybe they were still the enemy. Maybe they would capture us and hold us as prisoners of war. Maybe they even had weapons over there in their little reddish-colored house. Maybe they were Kamikazes! Wouldn't that be exciting? Our excitement grew as we wove our way through the vines, making up stories of how Tarzan defeated the entire Japanese army by swinging through the trees and ambushing them from the hollow of a blackberry bush.
Just then we crawled out of a bog of pussy willows and into a very small clearing with a tiny little house in it, hardly big enough to house a single person, let alone an entire family. Could it be a munitions depot? A secret storage area? Would the US army want to know about it? Could it be connected with spies? Overcome with curiosity, fantasy, and patriotism, it was our duty, Harvey and I, to investigate it. Stealthily we snuck around it, signaling each other to be quiet, until we locate a door. Harvey gingerly opened it, as his wide-eyed little cousin peered in.
Just as my eyes focused on the Japanese woman seated in the outhouse, her shriek of terror told us we had made a terrible mistake. We hastily retreated in great fear and consternation, fearing both reprisal and political consequences.
None ever came, thank goodness. But unlike General MacArthur, we did not return.
Note: As we grew older, we realized that they were not only NOT the enemy, but they were loyal Americans who later became good friends.
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:57 AM 0 comments
Remote Viewing & Remote Influencing - What is it?
If you're like me, you spend hours surfing the internet looking for weird stuff that you've never seen or read about before. During my extensive research one evening, as I scoured cyberspace to find some new and unusual crap to entertain myself with, I finally found what I was looking for.
At about 2:00 A.M. on a Thursday night, I couldn't relax, couldn't sleep, so I traveled downstairs to the computer and went online to find some information about meditation or relaxation techniques to help me clear my head so I could fall asleep. On one of the websites I visited, there was a collection of links to various websites that teach meditation and relaxation techniques, such as yoga, Zen, and something called "open-eye meditation." None of these things interested me, until I found a link to a website for something called "Remote Viewing & Remote Influencing." This was intriguing, so I clicked through to the website.
At the very top of the first page was the title, "Welcome to the Remote Viewing and Remote Influencing Information Page - Your Real Life Time Machine." I sat forward in my chair, excited as can be. "This is it," I said to myself. "This is the kind of weird crap I've been looking for."
The information contained there was fascinating. Remote viewing was allegedly developed by the CIA during the Cold War era, circa 1970, as a way to make use of our natural psychic potential to spy on the Russians without having to travel to the Soviet Union to do it. Using remote viewing, by focusing one's mental powers on a certain point in space and time, it is possible to view what is going on anywhere at anytime; past, present, or future.
On the website, it also claimed that there were operatives who were trained in remote viewing and became so clairvoyant that they had to be locked underground in cages at different locales around the world. One was locked in a cage in Brazil, another in an intelligence base near Washington, and the third in an underground facility in Paramus, NJ. Yes, that's right, Paramus, NJ!
After I finished reading about remote viewing, I arrived at the remote influencing part of the website, which was even more bizarre, but cool. According to the information posted there, "remote influencing allows you to create your own fate and future, attracting the people and situations you want, and not be subject anymore to or addicted to the system of group consciousness." Apparently, remote influencing is some sort of mind control technique which enables you to create any reality you desire, alter your appearance, and change the world as you see fit; to play god, sort of speak.
The website never explained as to how one can actually learn to do this, though it did say that for $89.95 I could order their training tapes, which are backed by a 30-day money back guarantee. Right above the order form on the website was written "Order now for only $89.95, and learn how to change the world and play God - or your money back!"
I thought to myself, "For only $89.95 I get to become the Lord! What a great deal!" But, by that time it was 3 A.M., and since I was too tired to go back upstairs and get my credit card, I went back to bed. The next day, I did some further research, and I found a message board where people were discussing remote viewing and remote influencing products they had ordered online, and they revealed that what was sent to them was nothing more than some relaxation tapes narrated by a man with an eerie voice, accompanied by some ethereal background music.
So, are remote viewing and remote influencing proponents a bunch of quacks? Not necessarily. The principles they teach are probably true for the most part. They're basically saying that we have the power within our own minds to control our destiny and to harness the power of the subconscious mind to do things that would seem supernatural to our conscious mind. Personally, I do believe in the power of the mind and that we can break free from the shackles of consciousness to achieve a higher state of mental well-being. This is one of the basic tenets of Scientology, that people have the power within themselves to do amazing things. So, despite having stumbled upon something that at first glance seemed like a scam or a bunch of empty nonsense, there was at least some wisdom imparted to me after having read through the information presented. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to my remote viewing class that starts in a half hour; we're going to use remote viewing to try to find Bin Laden.
At about 2:00 A.M. on a Thursday night, I couldn't relax, couldn't sleep, so I traveled downstairs to the computer and went online to find some information about meditation or relaxation techniques to help me clear my head so I could fall asleep. On one of the websites I visited, there was a collection of links to various websites that teach meditation and relaxation techniques, such as yoga, Zen, and something called "open-eye meditation." None of these things interested me, until I found a link to a website for something called "Remote Viewing & Remote Influencing." This was intriguing, so I clicked through to the website.
At the very top of the first page was the title, "Welcome to the Remote Viewing and Remote Influencing Information Page - Your Real Life Time Machine." I sat forward in my chair, excited as can be. "This is it," I said to myself. "This is the kind of weird crap I've been looking for."
The information contained there was fascinating. Remote viewing was allegedly developed by the CIA during the Cold War era, circa 1970, as a way to make use of our natural psychic potential to spy on the Russians without having to travel to the Soviet Union to do it. Using remote viewing, by focusing one's mental powers on a certain point in space and time, it is possible to view what is going on anywhere at anytime; past, present, or future.
On the website, it also claimed that there were operatives who were trained in remote viewing and became so clairvoyant that they had to be locked underground in cages at different locales around the world. One was locked in a cage in Brazil, another in an intelligence base near Washington, and the third in an underground facility in Paramus, NJ. Yes, that's right, Paramus, NJ!
After I finished reading about remote viewing, I arrived at the remote influencing part of the website, which was even more bizarre, but cool. According to the information posted there, "remote influencing allows you to create your own fate and future, attracting the people and situations you want, and not be subject anymore to or addicted to the system of group consciousness." Apparently, remote influencing is some sort of mind control technique which enables you to create any reality you desire, alter your appearance, and change the world as you see fit; to play god, sort of speak.
The website never explained as to how one can actually learn to do this, though it did say that for $89.95 I could order their training tapes, which are backed by a 30-day money back guarantee. Right above the order form on the website was written "Order now for only $89.95, and learn how to change the world and play God - or your money back!"
I thought to myself, "For only $89.95 I get to become the Lord! What a great deal!" But, by that time it was 3 A.M., and since I was too tired to go back upstairs and get my credit card, I went back to bed. The next day, I did some further research, and I found a message board where people were discussing remote viewing and remote influencing products they had ordered online, and they revealed that what was sent to them was nothing more than some relaxation tapes narrated by a man with an eerie voice, accompanied by some ethereal background music.
So, are remote viewing and remote influencing proponents a bunch of quacks? Not necessarily. The principles they teach are probably true for the most part. They're basically saying that we have the power within our own minds to control our destiny and to harness the power of the subconscious mind to do things that would seem supernatural to our conscious mind. Personally, I do believe in the power of the mind and that we can break free from the shackles of consciousness to achieve a higher state of mental well-being. This is one of the basic tenets of Scientology, that people have the power within themselves to do amazing things. So, despite having stumbled upon something that at first glance seemed like a scam or a bunch of empty nonsense, there was at least some wisdom imparted to me after having read through the information presented. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to my remote viewing class that starts in a half hour; we're going to use remote viewing to try to find Bin Laden.
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:56 AM 0 comments
How Grandma's Lap Robe Saved My Legs
We lived almost exactly one mile from the heart of Auburn California on Palm Avenue between the old Highway 49 and the new, broader Highway 49; the highway that connects Auburn with Grass Valley, both towns formed during the Gold Rush of 1849. The city limit line ran right down the center of Palm Avenue, so we lived just a few feet inside the "city"; really a town of about 3000. Palm tress, unusual in Auburn, used to line our road, but through the years some fell, some were cut down by progress, and now they were scattered; one here, then a quarter mile, then a cluster of a half-dozen, then more for a space. As a small child I used to imagine that Palm trees were giant one-legged ostriches, now petrified, like ancient prehistoric birds.
The house I grew up in was built the year before I was born for thirty five hundred dollars. It sat on the northeast corner of my Grandfather Eisleys' property, a ten acre segment now occupied mostly by my Uncle Henry's nursery, aptly named Eisleys' Nursery, but also containing our one acre strip and the original Eisley ranch home where my Mom and Uncle Henry and three other aunts and uncles grew up.
My Grandma Eisley lived in a newer house, now that Grandpa was gone, which was situated just 50 feet from our house. Which meant that anytime we went anywhere, or did anything, Grandma knew about it.
We drove to town a couple times a week to go shopping for groceries or clothes, and to pay bills at PG&E, the telephone company, and so forth. My folks paid for everything in cash; no paper or plastic substitutes; and in person. Which was kind of nice, because that way we made the rounds and got well acquainted with bank clerks, secretaries, and various and sundry other locals.
I don't believe that the trip to town; that entire mile in and mile back; was ever made without Grandma. She always wanted to go, and Mom was always afraid of hurting her feelings if we didn't ask her, so we always asked her, and it always took three times as long as it would have taken had we not asked her.
It was kind of a ritual. Each participant in the ritual said the same thing every time, and this went on for the better part of 20 years.
"We need to go to town," Mom would say. "I need to get some Nucoa, and Garland needs some new cords, and I'd sure like to get that PG&E bill paid we got today in the mail."
"Let's go!" my big brother Garland and I would respond in unison.
"I'll start the car" was Daddy's line.
"Do you suppose we ought to ask Mother?" Mom would always ask, as though it were an open question.
"But it takes sooooo long that way," Garland or I would groan.
"But if she knows we've gone without her, she'll be hurt," Mom would predictably counter.
Daddy was always gone by then, bringing the car from the basement-garage below around front.
"Alright," Garland would say in a pained voice. "I'll go ask her." Garland was always nicer than me.
And the answer was always the same.
"Sure. I'll go. Will I need my galoshes?"
"No, Grandma, it's July!"
"Well bring my lap blanket just in case there's a draft."
"Yes, Grandma."
Once in the car, another ritual began.
"Whew, it's sure hot in here!" Garland or Daddy or I would say.
"But we can't have a draft on Mother," Mom would reply.
"Don't you want this lap robe over your knees, boys?" asked Grandma, as she spread it over our knees and tried to tuck it in around our waist.
"No, Grandma, it's July!"
"Well July or not, you have to watch out for a draft, you know. There's pneumonia going around these days, boys."
Groans.
Quiet resignation.
Hot legs.
In retrospect, I guess Grandma was right. I'm over half a century now, and I've never had any problem with the parts of my body covered by that lap robe, and I don't believe Garland has either. Maybe I should have covered my head with it. Maybe I wouldn't be bald today.
Didn't seem to do as much good for her, however. Old age seemed to take its natural course, and the lap robe didn't seem to run much interference for it.
The house I grew up in was built the year before I was born for thirty five hundred dollars. It sat on the northeast corner of my Grandfather Eisleys' property, a ten acre segment now occupied mostly by my Uncle Henry's nursery, aptly named Eisleys' Nursery, but also containing our one acre strip and the original Eisley ranch home where my Mom and Uncle Henry and three other aunts and uncles grew up.
My Grandma Eisley lived in a newer house, now that Grandpa was gone, which was situated just 50 feet from our house. Which meant that anytime we went anywhere, or did anything, Grandma knew about it.
We drove to town a couple times a week to go shopping for groceries or clothes, and to pay bills at PG&E, the telephone company, and so forth. My folks paid for everything in cash; no paper or plastic substitutes; and in person. Which was kind of nice, because that way we made the rounds and got well acquainted with bank clerks, secretaries, and various and sundry other locals.
I don't believe that the trip to town; that entire mile in and mile back; was ever made without Grandma. She always wanted to go, and Mom was always afraid of hurting her feelings if we didn't ask her, so we always asked her, and it always took three times as long as it would have taken had we not asked her.
It was kind of a ritual. Each participant in the ritual said the same thing every time, and this went on for the better part of 20 years.
"We need to go to town," Mom would say. "I need to get some Nucoa, and Garland needs some new cords, and I'd sure like to get that PG&E bill paid we got today in the mail."
"Let's go!" my big brother Garland and I would respond in unison.
"I'll start the car" was Daddy's line.
"Do you suppose we ought to ask Mother?" Mom would always ask, as though it were an open question.
"But it takes sooooo long that way," Garland or I would groan.
"But if she knows we've gone without her, she'll be hurt," Mom would predictably counter.
Daddy was always gone by then, bringing the car from the basement-garage below around front.
"Alright," Garland would say in a pained voice. "I'll go ask her." Garland was always nicer than me.
And the answer was always the same.
"Sure. I'll go. Will I need my galoshes?"
"No, Grandma, it's July!"
"Well bring my lap blanket just in case there's a draft."
"Yes, Grandma."
Once in the car, another ritual began.
"Whew, it's sure hot in here!" Garland or Daddy or I would say.
"But we can't have a draft on Mother," Mom would reply.
"Don't you want this lap robe over your knees, boys?" asked Grandma, as she spread it over our knees and tried to tuck it in around our waist.
"No, Grandma, it's July!"
"Well July or not, you have to watch out for a draft, you know. There's pneumonia going around these days, boys."
Groans.
Quiet resignation.
Hot legs.
In retrospect, I guess Grandma was right. I'm over half a century now, and I've never had any problem with the parts of my body covered by that lap robe, and I don't believe Garland has either. Maybe I should have covered my head with it. Maybe I wouldn't be bald today.
Didn't seem to do as much good for her, however. Old age seemed to take its natural course, and the lap robe didn't seem to run much interference for it.
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:55 AM 0 comments
Are You Spreading Humor
I recall a teacher I had in school, came to school one day wearing a brown shoe on one foot and a black shoe on the other. She had been in a rush that morning and simply grabbed a left shoe and a right shoe. They were the same style just different in color. She only lived a short distance from school but rather than go home and change she explained her fiasco to her students. She was always so perfect we just could not imagine her doing such a thing. I think following that day we looked at her as though she was almost human.
You had better know we all had one big chuckle out of the shoe episode. Have you thought that you do not have to be the one 'on center-stage' to share humor? Of course not. Just consider it, if some person is sharing a funny happening with you, what is your job? Laugh, of course you would. Now this ought not have to be a false laugh but a significant chuckle. Laughing with, not at someone is spreading their humor.
Most of us have a friend or have knowledge of someone that is known for his or her humor. They are fun to be with and we should always remember to share our chuckling with them. Now that you realise that humor can be shared without being a public orator, let's look at how an orator relates, or should relate, to his or her audience. They have a relationship that is obtained by mutual respect, trust and sympathising with the audience. Humor needs to be prepared exceptionally carefully. When it fails to be funny it can cause stress and discomfort.
This should not occur if you are able to follow a few guidelines. The first point to be considered is the difference between healthy and unhealthy humor. As you know, unhealthy humor has a victim. It shows a wicked spirit. There might be a laugh for this humor but it would most probably be one of nervousness. The sufferer is usually made to look different, not be very intelligent or prejudice.
Looking to healthy humor you will see it is just the opposite. It shows support and authorization in emphasizing the ways we are alike. This shows more understanding and sympathy. The laughing here comes from recognizing that we are all in the same boat and no one is isolated or made to appear different. In order to spread humor, the speaker must have a good demeanour. You must be able to enjoy humor.
It is crucial that you have a good relationship with the audience. This is sharing yourself in person so they will discover the speaker. Trust has to be established so the audience will not be nervous of anything you may share. A good insight or knowledge of the audience is a must as every joke or sentence plays on a particular emotion.
A complete understanding about the environment of the audience will put the speaker on conventional ground with them. This requires a lot of homework. If you don't know details of them, stay off from particular persons and places in your humor. Presentation is essential. The presentation of the punchline is important as well as giving the audience time to enjoy the punchline. The ultimate important issue with timing you must realise when to finish. Enjoyable humor goes a long way and it is way better to let them leave wanting more
You had better know we all had one big chuckle out of the shoe episode. Have you thought that you do not have to be the one 'on center-stage' to share humor? Of course not. Just consider it, if some person is sharing a funny happening with you, what is your job? Laugh, of course you would. Now this ought not have to be a false laugh but a significant chuckle. Laughing with, not at someone is spreading their humor.
Most of us have a friend or have knowledge of someone that is known for his or her humor. They are fun to be with and we should always remember to share our chuckling with them. Now that you realise that humor can be shared without being a public orator, let's look at how an orator relates, or should relate, to his or her audience. They have a relationship that is obtained by mutual respect, trust and sympathising with the audience. Humor needs to be prepared exceptionally carefully. When it fails to be funny it can cause stress and discomfort.
This should not occur if you are able to follow a few guidelines. The first point to be considered is the difference between healthy and unhealthy humor. As you know, unhealthy humor has a victim. It shows a wicked spirit. There might be a laugh for this humor but it would most probably be one of nervousness. The sufferer is usually made to look different, not be very intelligent or prejudice.
Looking to healthy humor you will see it is just the opposite. It shows support and authorization in emphasizing the ways we are alike. This shows more understanding and sympathy. The laughing here comes from recognizing that we are all in the same boat and no one is isolated or made to appear different. In order to spread humor, the speaker must have a good demeanour. You must be able to enjoy humor.
It is crucial that you have a good relationship with the audience. This is sharing yourself in person so they will discover the speaker. Trust has to be established so the audience will not be nervous of anything you may share. A good insight or knowledge of the audience is a must as every joke or sentence plays on a particular emotion.
A complete understanding about the environment of the audience will put the speaker on conventional ground with them. This requires a lot of homework. If you don't know details of them, stay off from particular persons and places in your humor. Presentation is essential. The presentation of the punchline is important as well as giving the audience time to enjoy the punchline. The ultimate important issue with timing you must realise when to finish. Enjoyable humor goes a long way and it is way better to let them leave wanting more
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:54 AM 0 comments
The Effects Of Funny Things
This article looks at the wonderful effects of laughter & really funny things.
Are you feeling run down? You could try laughing more! Some researchers think laughter could be the best medicine, helping you feel better and bringing that spring back into your step.
It makes sense that if people can get more laughter in their lives, they are happier and healthier too.
Laughter is a wonderful thing - that's why we have all heard the saying "laughter is the best medicine". There is strong evidence that laughter can actually improve health and help fight disease.
Test the theory and see for yourself!
First id like you to think of some really funny things, situations you have been in or pictures you have seen, as long as it's really funny!
Now I want you to smile, come on! Let the corners of your mouth turn up. Giggle, chortle, chuckle. And slowly build up into a loud laugh.
How do you feel now? Refreshed? Exhilarated? According to recent studies done by neuroscientists and psychologists, as well as the newest fads in holistic medicine, laughter is the greatest panacea yet discovered.
It has been credited with everything from lowering blood pressure and reducing chances of heart attacks and strokes to increasing your intelligence and capabilities to retain process information.
Humour and laughter are regularly being used in a variety of therapeutic situations.
Research into the use of therapeutic humour tells us it has the power to motivate, alleviate stress and pain and improve one's sense of well being.
When really funny things make us laugh, natural killer cells which destroy tumours and viruses increase, along with Gamma-interferon (a disease fighting protein), T- cells (important for the immune system) and B - cells (which make disease -fighting antibodies).
As well as lowering blood pressure, laughter increases oxygen in the blood, which also encourages healing.
What is laughter?
Believe it of not laughter is not the same as humour. It is the physiological response to humour and is made of two parts - the production of a sound and a set of gestures.
Laughing causes our brain to conduct both the production of a sound and a set of gestures simultaneously.
Why do we laugh?
Some researchers believe that strengthening human connections is related to why we laugh because laughter occurs more often when people are comfortable around one another.
Have you noticed in an office everyone in the office laughs when the boss laughs? This is because dominant people use laughter more often than their subordinates.
Laughing and Humour is like a medicine and a very powerful one.
It can bring together families in troubled times, reduce anger and frustration and lower your stress levels.
If you can laugh at yourself or a situation you are in that seem overwhelming it will help to diffuse the stress.
Laughter and really funny things serve a great purpose in our life not only from a medical point of view we discussed earlier but it will make you feel better about yourself and the world around you. It will make a bad situation seem a little less daunting.
A hearty laugh a day may well keep the doctor away, so keep looking at really funny things!
Are you feeling run down? You could try laughing more! Some researchers think laughter could be the best medicine, helping you feel better and bringing that spring back into your step.
It makes sense that if people can get more laughter in their lives, they are happier and healthier too.
Laughter is a wonderful thing - that's why we have all heard the saying "laughter is the best medicine". There is strong evidence that laughter can actually improve health and help fight disease.
Test the theory and see for yourself!
First id like you to think of some really funny things, situations you have been in or pictures you have seen, as long as it's really funny!
Now I want you to smile, come on! Let the corners of your mouth turn up. Giggle, chortle, chuckle. And slowly build up into a loud laugh.
How do you feel now? Refreshed? Exhilarated? According to recent studies done by neuroscientists and psychologists, as well as the newest fads in holistic medicine, laughter is the greatest panacea yet discovered.
It has been credited with everything from lowering blood pressure and reducing chances of heart attacks and strokes to increasing your intelligence and capabilities to retain process information.
Humour and laughter are regularly being used in a variety of therapeutic situations.
Research into the use of therapeutic humour tells us it has the power to motivate, alleviate stress and pain and improve one's sense of well being.
When really funny things make us laugh, natural killer cells which destroy tumours and viruses increase, along with Gamma-interferon (a disease fighting protein), T- cells (important for the immune system) and B - cells (which make disease -fighting antibodies).
As well as lowering blood pressure, laughter increases oxygen in the blood, which also encourages healing.
What is laughter?
Believe it of not laughter is not the same as humour. It is the physiological response to humour and is made of two parts - the production of a sound and a set of gestures.
Laughing causes our brain to conduct both the production of a sound and a set of gestures simultaneously.
Why do we laugh?
Some researchers believe that strengthening human connections is related to why we laugh because laughter occurs more often when people are comfortable around one another.
Have you noticed in an office everyone in the office laughs when the boss laughs? This is because dominant people use laughter more often than their subordinates.
Laughing and Humour is like a medicine and a very powerful one.
It can bring together families in troubled times, reduce anger and frustration and lower your stress levels.
If you can laugh at yourself or a situation you are in that seem overwhelming it will help to diffuse the stress.
Laughter and really funny things serve a great purpose in our life not only from a medical point of view we discussed earlier but it will make you feel better about yourself and the world around you. It will make a bad situation seem a little less daunting.
A hearty laugh a day may well keep the doctor away, so keep looking at really funny things!
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:32 AM 0 comments
Honey Do List Gone Wild For Unemployed Men
Wash the damn car
Seal the driveway
Clean the air filters
Empty the vacuum bag
Cut the frigging grass
Organize the garage
Paint
See that chair, don't sit in it.
The dishes are piling up, let's get 'er done.
But wait, it's raining, get the clothes off the line, FAST.
Look in the fridge, what do you see? Nothing?
Get busy, here's the list, off you go. Have fun.
What took you so long! Gheesh.
You what! You bought a new lawnmower!
Let's do the math. The square footage of the house is like
ten times that of the lawn, so why didn't you buy a new vacuum?
Just wondering.
Here's the credit card, go buy the kids their school stuff.
Did you get the mail today?
About that credit card, don't you dare!
You're back already?
What! The car broke down!
Take the car in.
How much? Here's another damn credit card.
Your son wants a new video game.
Don't you dare!
Fix that leaking tub.
You can't fix that leaking tub?
Hire a plumber that takes a credit card.
About that credit card.
Did you see the hydro bill!
Too bad we can't use the credit card.
Wait. I think we can.
The little guy wants some more candy.
Use the card.
How much is our house worth?
I was just wondering if there would be enough equity
to pay off the credit cards.
About those cards.
Fill up the car. You really need the card for that.
How much?
Can you walk to hockey?
Beer. We need beer.
At least we're getting airmiles, yippee.
We need a new roof
We need new windows
When will the patio be finished?
About that credit card.
Credit card declined.
Now what?
Who's your favourite realtor?
ME! "Yeah I got a Listing".
APPLICATION HELL
Do you know how many jobs are out there?
Apparently, the superabundance is so overwhelming,
it will make me cry with gratitude.
The choices are spectacular!
Employers en masse, like a parade of dancing cash.
Sixteen hours of resume revamping,
twenty two hours of cover letter re-design,
and days of emailing to those who are dying to hire me.
Oh yes.
I warned my neighbours of the coming onslaught.
Checked the local bylaws to ensure the parade of opportunity conformed.
Adorned my body in pinstripes
The hair. You should see the hair:
Arched at the edges, it screams Management Material!
Oh yes. All is good.
Six months have passed.
Do you know how many jobs are NOT out there?
Apparently, the drought is so overwhelming,
I had to stop crying. I couldn't afford the tissues.
The choices for car washing, flipping burgers and pouring coffee, spectacular.
I'm not educated to wash, flip, and pour,
I really should have planned better.
Employers must be IN Mass.
And cash doesn't dance. Credit cards do.
Sixteen hours of resume revamping,
Twenty hours of cover letter re-design and months of emailing,
gave me one thing I didn't have, cramps.
Oh yes.
The bylaws need revamping, Employer onslaughts, went with the wind.
About my hair. It's a lovely shade of in-shock grey.
Pinstripes? Let's not go there.
So what have I done for me lately?
I whipped out the good china to have a coffee
Didn't have time to use it before.
Unemployed class, all is good.
Seal the driveway
Clean the air filters
Empty the vacuum bag
Cut the frigging grass
Organize the garage
Paint
See that chair, don't sit in it.
The dishes are piling up, let's get 'er done.
But wait, it's raining, get the clothes off the line, FAST.
Look in the fridge, what do you see? Nothing?
Get busy, here's the list, off you go. Have fun.
What took you so long! Gheesh.
You what! You bought a new lawnmower!
Let's do the math. The square footage of the house is like
ten times that of the lawn, so why didn't you buy a new vacuum?
Just wondering.
Here's the credit card, go buy the kids their school stuff.
Did you get the mail today?
About that credit card, don't you dare!
You're back already?
What! The car broke down!
Take the car in.
How much? Here's another damn credit card.
Your son wants a new video game.
Don't you dare!
Fix that leaking tub.
You can't fix that leaking tub?
Hire a plumber that takes a credit card.
About that credit card.
Did you see the hydro bill!
Too bad we can't use the credit card.
Wait. I think we can.
The little guy wants some more candy.
Use the card.
How much is our house worth?
I was just wondering if there would be enough equity
to pay off the credit cards.
About those cards.
Fill up the car. You really need the card for that.
How much?
Can you walk to hockey?
Beer. We need beer.
At least we're getting airmiles, yippee.
We need a new roof
We need new windows
When will the patio be finished?
About that credit card.
Credit card declined.
Now what?
Who's your favourite realtor?
ME! "Yeah I got a Listing".
APPLICATION HELL
Do you know how many jobs are out there?
Apparently, the superabundance is so overwhelming,
it will make me cry with gratitude.
The choices are spectacular!
Employers en masse, like a parade of dancing cash.
Sixteen hours of resume revamping,
twenty two hours of cover letter re-design,
and days of emailing to those who are dying to hire me.
Oh yes.
I warned my neighbours of the coming onslaught.
Checked the local bylaws to ensure the parade of opportunity conformed.
Adorned my body in pinstripes
The hair. You should see the hair:
Arched at the edges, it screams Management Material!
Oh yes. All is good.
Six months have passed.
Do you know how many jobs are NOT out there?
Apparently, the drought is so overwhelming,
I had to stop crying. I couldn't afford the tissues.
The choices for car washing, flipping burgers and pouring coffee, spectacular.
I'm not educated to wash, flip, and pour,
I really should have planned better.
Employers must be IN Mass.
And cash doesn't dance. Credit cards do.
Sixteen hours of resume revamping,
Twenty hours of cover letter re-design and months of emailing,
gave me one thing I didn't have, cramps.
Oh yes.
The bylaws need revamping, Employer onslaughts, went with the wind.
About my hair. It's a lovely shade of in-shock grey.
Pinstripes? Let's not go there.
So what have I done for me lately?
I whipped out the good china to have a coffee
Didn't have time to use it before.
Unemployed class, all is good.
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:31 AM 0 comments
Party Jokes: Startling But Unnecessary
Here, I focus on a range of items and features that we use in life without giving them a second thought such as Coca Cola, body muscles and holding ones own breath. Though, most of these notes are not fundamentally necessary, they are such that you can use them for a good laugh, at a drinks party or for picking up women or men.
1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?
2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?
3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.
4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.
5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?
6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!
7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.
8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.
9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.
10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.
11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?
12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.
13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.
14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.
15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!
Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights.Visit http://www.hartono-playwhilelearning.co.cc for more jokes.
1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?
2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?
3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.
4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.
5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?
6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!
7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.
8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.
9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.
10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.
11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?
12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.
13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.
14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.
15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!
Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights.Visit http://www.hartono-playwhilelearning.co.cc for more jokes.
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:30 AM 0 comments
Why Are Some Plants Called Weeds ?
That plant is a weed.
This may sound like two minutes with Andy Rooney but I just don't agree with this term. If a plant looks pretty and it has some quality that makes it useful, then why is it a weed.
What is a weed?
The chicory plant has a pretty little flower and some people use it to make tea. Isn't the bright yellow flower of the dandelion similar to a marigold or some little yellow daisy? You can make wine from dandelions. That's good isn't it. what is grass. It just lays all over the place and looks plain old green. I guess cows can eat it. I don't think it's a weed but I think it acts like a weed. Grass tries to overpower everything else. If Creeping Charlie tries to do that, we call him a weed.
Do weeds have some exclusive property that we can use to define them from other plants? Are those other plants just "plants" or should we call them "non weeds"?
When my wife "weeds" the flower garden, she will constantly ask "is this a weed?" Does it really matter? My response is always the same. "If you like it - leave it there. If you don't like it, pull it out."
Milkweed - wow, poor plant got it right in the name. This plant with the fun little seedpod is home to the much admired Monarch Butterfly. The monarch needs this plant to survive. Children love to open the mature seed pod and blow the little parachutes all over the place. We are intent on eradicating it because it is a "weed". I don't know what makes it a weed.
There are some plants that I guess we would all can safely be called a weed. Poison Ivy comes to mind first. I can't see anything good about this plant. This one can go away forever as far as I am concerned. A couple of god doses of this plant have it on "My weed list".
There are some very interesting names for weeds. The mouse eared chickweed. Does this really sound like a weed" It sounds like something we should see on the farm. Another similar name is "lamb's quarters". It belongs to the "goosefoot family" It just does not sound like a weed. More farm type plants - try "field horsetail" and "wild oats". Sounds like they should do well together.
Don't forget the "european frogbit" Now you really must wonder about that name.
I like the masses of purple loosestrife I see growing in ditch banks but I guess it is a monster in disguise. It gets out of control and chokes out everything. Maybe that makes it a weed.
I guess St John's Wort and Cypress Spurge don't sound that good to me. Maybe I will add them to my weed list.
Now this one really makes me wonder. I looked up Common weeds of northern United states and Canada. Where is the thistle.
That mean bristly plant wasn't to be found in the list of weeds. It must be a good plant I guess but I can't imagine why.
I want to talk to the guy that made that list of weeds. I just don't think he has it right!
I think I'm going to call Andy Rooney and see what he thinks of this whole weed deal. I bet he could provide a very interesting response.
This may sound like two minutes with Andy Rooney but I just don't agree with this term. If a plant looks pretty and it has some quality that makes it useful, then why is it a weed.
What is a weed?
The chicory plant has a pretty little flower and some people use it to make tea. Isn't the bright yellow flower of the dandelion similar to a marigold or some little yellow daisy? You can make wine from dandelions. That's good isn't it. what is grass. It just lays all over the place and looks plain old green. I guess cows can eat it. I don't think it's a weed but I think it acts like a weed. Grass tries to overpower everything else. If Creeping Charlie tries to do that, we call him a weed.
Do weeds have some exclusive property that we can use to define them from other plants? Are those other plants just "plants" or should we call them "non weeds"?
When my wife "weeds" the flower garden, she will constantly ask "is this a weed?" Does it really matter? My response is always the same. "If you like it - leave it there. If you don't like it, pull it out."
Milkweed - wow, poor plant got it right in the name. This plant with the fun little seedpod is home to the much admired Monarch Butterfly. The monarch needs this plant to survive. Children love to open the mature seed pod and blow the little parachutes all over the place. We are intent on eradicating it because it is a "weed". I don't know what makes it a weed.
There are some plants that I guess we would all can safely be called a weed. Poison Ivy comes to mind first. I can't see anything good about this plant. This one can go away forever as far as I am concerned. A couple of god doses of this plant have it on "My weed list".
There are some very interesting names for weeds. The mouse eared chickweed. Does this really sound like a weed" It sounds like something we should see on the farm. Another similar name is "lamb's quarters". It belongs to the "goosefoot family" It just does not sound like a weed. More farm type plants - try "field horsetail" and "wild oats". Sounds like they should do well together.
Don't forget the "european frogbit" Now you really must wonder about that name.
I like the masses of purple loosestrife I see growing in ditch banks but I guess it is a monster in disguise. It gets out of control and chokes out everything. Maybe that makes it a weed.
I guess St John's Wort and Cypress Spurge don't sound that good to me. Maybe I will add them to my weed list.
Now this one really makes me wonder. I looked up Common weeds of northern United states and Canada. Where is the thistle.
That mean bristly plant wasn't to be found in the list of weeds. It must be a good plant I guess but I can't imagine why.
I want to talk to the guy that made that list of weeds. I just don't think he has it right!
I think I'm going to call Andy Rooney and see what he thinks of this whole weed deal. I bet he could provide a very interesting response.
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:29 AM 0 comments
The Truth Behind Valentine's Day - Past and Present
It is not true that Valentine's day is a holiday invented by greedy greeting card companies eager to sell more stock or by candy companies to sell more chocolate, or general retailers to create more business once Christmas is over. It is easy to imagine that Valentine's Day was created by them because as soon as the stores put away their Christmas merchandise, out comes the Valentine's Day items - even though Valentine's is still more than six weeks away.
In a blink Rudolph and Santa are replaced with red ribbon and pink hearts and mass produced Valentine's Day cards in thousands of designs and sizes - large, small, serious, silly, inexpensive, expensive, musical (my least favourite because they sound so tinny) and traditional ones. Valentine's Day is the biggest single twenty hour period for florists, a huge event for greeting card companies and a boon for candy
makers.
Valentine's Day began more than 1,500 years ago. According to legend, Valentine was a priest who performed marriages in continued defiance of the orders of the Roman emperor Claudius. The emperor had realized that no young men wanted to join his army and then leave their wives and sweethearts. When it was discovered that Valentine was still performing marriages in secret, he was cruelly sentenced to death.
Valentine allegedly cured the jailer's daughter of blindness and on the night before his execution, he sent a note to her signed "from your Valentine". Reportedly he died on February. 14, 269 A.D.
More than 200 years later in 496 A.D., February 14 was named by Pope Gelasius to honor St. Valentine. Today more than 1,700 years have passed since the real Valentine died, and people are still celebrating Valentine's Day in a big way. A staggering 180 million Valentine's cards were sold last year.
It may never have occurred to you that Valentine's Day is a major crisis day for anyone who is having an affair. After all, Valentine's Day is the one holiday when everyone is expected to do something romantic for their spouse or lover -- and if someone has both, it's a serious problem and a logistic nightmare.
Not surprisingly then one of the most busiest groups of professionals on Valentine's Day is the private detective when their workload can quadruple. Most people figure if anything suspicious is going on it will show itself around Valentine's Day. Apparently it is a huge mistake for a cheating husband to book a business trip over Valentine's Day. It rates really highly on the scale of suspicious activity.
The competition element of what your spouse did for you on Valentine's Day is another highly disconcerting fact. Some people believe the main event is the day after when some women get together and the comparisons begin.
The competition factor can be particularly acute on the night as well if you go out for a meal on Valentine's Day - what you basically have is a collection of couples spending the whole night discretely observing each other in a restaurant, trying to reassure themselves that their relationship is less dysfunctional than the others.
Last year at a flash restaurant in London on Valentine's Day night a couple started arguing and the wife stood up, slapped the husband across the face and then stormed off in a huff. The husband composed himself, took a few more sips of his red wine and then proceeded to loudly call his mistress on his mobile. Within 15 minutes the immaculately dressed younger mistress turned up at the restaurant and sat down delighted that her lover had arranged the restaurant meal especially on Valentine's Day.
The first course arrived and then you would not believe it but guess who should walk back into the restaurant but the wife. Heated words flew, culminating in the wife pouring the rest of the bottle of red wine all over the husband's head and then the wife and mistress leaving together joined arm in arm in their thorough disgust with the sod of a man in their lives.
All this occurred whilst the other diners where sitting there quietly totally bewildered but secretly impressed with how fabulously functional their own relationship was.
The interesting twist that all came out in the newspapers the week after is that the colourful threesome were actors hired by the restaurant specifically to entertain the diners and make them feel grateful about the state of their own relationships.
This year you can avoid the actors and private detectives by stealing away somewhere quiet with your special someone. Do not whatever you do go away on a business trip over Valentine's Day, or for that matter go on a conference on the preceding or following weekend since Valentine's Day falls on a Wednesday this year.
In a blink Rudolph and Santa are replaced with red ribbon and pink hearts and mass produced Valentine's Day cards in thousands of designs and sizes - large, small, serious, silly, inexpensive, expensive, musical (my least favourite because they sound so tinny) and traditional ones. Valentine's Day is the biggest single twenty hour period for florists, a huge event for greeting card companies and a boon for candy
makers.
Valentine's Day began more than 1,500 years ago. According to legend, Valentine was a priest who performed marriages in continued defiance of the orders of the Roman emperor Claudius. The emperor had realized that no young men wanted to join his army and then leave their wives and sweethearts. When it was discovered that Valentine was still performing marriages in secret, he was cruelly sentenced to death.
Valentine allegedly cured the jailer's daughter of blindness and on the night before his execution, he sent a note to her signed "from your Valentine". Reportedly he died on February. 14, 269 A.D.
More than 200 years later in 496 A.D., February 14 was named by Pope Gelasius to honor St. Valentine. Today more than 1,700 years have passed since the real Valentine died, and people are still celebrating Valentine's Day in a big way. A staggering 180 million Valentine's cards were sold last year.
It may never have occurred to you that Valentine's Day is a major crisis day for anyone who is having an affair. After all, Valentine's Day is the one holiday when everyone is expected to do something romantic for their spouse or lover -- and if someone has both, it's a serious problem and a logistic nightmare.
Not surprisingly then one of the most busiest groups of professionals on Valentine's Day is the private detective when their workload can quadruple. Most people figure if anything suspicious is going on it will show itself around Valentine's Day. Apparently it is a huge mistake for a cheating husband to book a business trip over Valentine's Day. It rates really highly on the scale of suspicious activity.
The competition element of what your spouse did for you on Valentine's Day is another highly disconcerting fact. Some people believe the main event is the day after when some women get together and the comparisons begin.
The competition factor can be particularly acute on the night as well if you go out for a meal on Valentine's Day - what you basically have is a collection of couples spending the whole night discretely observing each other in a restaurant, trying to reassure themselves that their relationship is less dysfunctional than the others.
Last year at a flash restaurant in London on Valentine's Day night a couple started arguing and the wife stood up, slapped the husband across the face and then stormed off in a huff. The husband composed himself, took a few more sips of his red wine and then proceeded to loudly call his mistress on his mobile. Within 15 minutes the immaculately dressed younger mistress turned up at the restaurant and sat down delighted that her lover had arranged the restaurant meal especially on Valentine's Day.
The first course arrived and then you would not believe it but guess who should walk back into the restaurant but the wife. Heated words flew, culminating in the wife pouring the rest of the bottle of red wine all over the husband's head and then the wife and mistress leaving together joined arm in arm in their thorough disgust with the sod of a man in their lives.
All this occurred whilst the other diners where sitting there quietly totally bewildered but secretly impressed with how fabulously functional their own relationship was.
The interesting twist that all came out in the newspapers the week after is that the colourful threesome were actors hired by the restaurant specifically to entertain the diners and make them feel grateful about the state of their own relationships.
This year you can avoid the actors and private detectives by stealing away somewhere quiet with your special someone. Do not whatever you do go away on a business trip over Valentine's Day, or for that matter go on a conference on the preceding or following weekend since Valentine's Day falls on a Wednesday this year.
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 1:28 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
How to Receive a Lousy Gift Graciously
Unless you are an Oscar-worthy actor it is really quite difficult not to show at least some disappointment when presented with a putrescent gift.
Here are some tactics you might want to use in this situation.
1. Go for the Oscar anyway and say it's just what you always wanted. This has the advantage of minimizing any embarrassing moments but it's probably obvious that you don't mean it. And keep it short, Forrest Whittaker you ain't.
2. Pretend that they have actually given you a million dollars. This might be slightly embarrassing after you have danced around the room whooping, hugged everyone in sight and planted a big kiss on his or her mouth.
3. Start to say thank you and then pretend someone has just come into the room that you really need to see. This could be a problem if there are just the two of you but should work in large crowds.
4. Clutch your chest, start wheezing and shout "I think I'm having a heart attack!". This only really works if you can belch on demand and claim it was gas before anyone calls 911. It's also worth pre-warning any loved ones so they don't get too worried. Although this could mean they won't do anything if you really do have a heart attack!
5. Talk really slowly, or repeat yourself, to give yourself time to come up with a response. "Well, well, well. Will you look at that. Wow. Well I never. Never got one of these before" should give you time to work on a diplomatic response.
6. Change the subject rapidly. Start talking about the gift and then branch off onto how you saw one on vacation once, and what a great vacation it was and have they ever been there? Vacation stories always drive people away!
7. Resolve to get them an equally bad gift next time that should put a smile on your face!
Above all remind yourself that they have tried their best and have taken the time to get you something. And remember - there's always eBay!
Here are some tactics you might want to use in this situation.
1. Go for the Oscar anyway and say it's just what you always wanted. This has the advantage of minimizing any embarrassing moments but it's probably obvious that you don't mean it. And keep it short, Forrest Whittaker you ain't.
2. Pretend that they have actually given you a million dollars. This might be slightly embarrassing after you have danced around the room whooping, hugged everyone in sight and planted a big kiss on his or her mouth.
3. Start to say thank you and then pretend someone has just come into the room that you really need to see. This could be a problem if there are just the two of you but should work in large crowds.
4. Clutch your chest, start wheezing and shout "I think I'm having a heart attack!". This only really works if you can belch on demand and claim it was gas before anyone calls 911. It's also worth pre-warning any loved ones so they don't get too worried. Although this could mean they won't do anything if you really do have a heart attack!
5. Talk really slowly, or repeat yourself, to give yourself time to come up with a response. "Well, well, well. Will you look at that. Wow. Well I never. Never got one of these before" should give you time to work on a diplomatic response.
6. Change the subject rapidly. Start talking about the gift and then branch off onto how you saw one on vacation once, and what a great vacation it was and have they ever been there? Vacation stories always drive people away!
7. Resolve to get them an equally bad gift next time that should put a smile on your face!
Above all remind yourself that they have tried their best and have taken the time to get you something. And remember - there's always eBay!
Labels: Humor
Posted by Hartono D.C at 11:42 AM 0 comments
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